The Power of Parents to Support Children and Teens During Hard Times
Over the past week, since the Russian invasion of Ukraine became a horrible reality, there have been many wonderful resources shared by therapists, psychologists, and teachers for how to talk to children and teens about what's happening. I also wrote a blog several months ago on having difficult conversations, which you can find here if you're curious or would like to refresh your memories. https://www.guidedparentingsupport.com/blog-theviewfromthepassengerseat/blog-post-difficult-conversations.
Talking with kids about things that are going on in the world, or within your own family, is crucial for supporting them during crises. But talking can also feel like a "reactive" response, once things have already happened. And the bottom line is that the kids you're raising are facing very real, and very scary, challenges. Updates on the war are on a constant loop thanks to a 24-hour news cycle that won't let us rest; we're just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after a 2-year global pandemic that has impacted every aspect of life as we know it; climate change has reached crisis levels with consequences that will fall squarely on the shoulders of the next generation; racism, homophobia and attempts by those in positions of privilege to claw back basic human rights are a daily occurrence; and that's on top of the "normal" life challenges of family illness and death, parental job losses, moving, and the everyday ups-and-downs of being a kid. Life has always been hard, unpredictable and unfair—and it seems like it's going to be even more so for the youngest among us as they grow. So, if all we're doing as adults is talking, we're missing the boat on incredible opportunities to support children and teens before, during, and after those hard times.
As parents, it would be very easy to feel powerless, hopeless, angry, and resentful. Easy, and totally understandable. Lying in bed with the blankets over your head, thinking about the dumpster fire of a world that you're leaving to your children and grandchildren while mainlining Girl Scout cookies is a perfectly reasonable response to the overwhelming task you're being asked to undertake: raising children, who become adults, who are prepared to be successful in an unknown future.
Except you're not powerless. You, as parents, have more power than anyone to shape the way your children will face their unknown futures. You get to decide whether they choose the path of despair, seeking blame, resentment and revenge; or whether they choose resilience, optimism, compassion, curiosity, and the desire to change the world. In case you decide to go for option two, here's a short list of suggestions to get you started:
Play. A lot. "Play allows pretend rehearsals for the challenges and ambiguities of life, a rehearsal in which life and death are not at stake" (Bob Fagan, play researcher). It develops resilience, calms the nervous system (especially when there's fresh air and movement involved); develops social and emotional skills; and it inoculates against stress by introducing "micro-doses" of stress at manageable levels, through the anticipation-action-resolution cycle of games like hide-and-seek, tag, or even Peek-a-Boo with babies and toddlers. Most importantly, it's how children process things that they don't understand. Rough and tumble play lets out anger, frustration and aggression in a safe way; imaginary play lets kids "talk through" situations that are scary or worrisome, and "good guy-bad guy" fantasy play helps kids feel less powerless because they can imagine themselves as having agency and control in scary situations, and enables them to feel like protectors. Child led play is best, so let them take the lead and match their tone, their pace, their energy level, and don't change their narrative if they create an imaginary scenario that makes you uncomfortable. If an issue comes up during their play, then you can bet that issue is on their minds and by being privy to their play you get to see inside their worlds. Take a glance at your family's schedules and if there isn't ample "blank space" in the calendar for children to play, see where you can free up extra hours every week for this critical developmental need.
Sleep. A lot. When humans don't sleep enough, levels of anxiety and depression increase—there's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Sleep is when the body heals and grows; when the brain consolidates memories and processes everything that happened during the day; cleans out the junk and prunes synapses; regulates hormones; and those last few hours in the morning when dreams typically take place provide emotional processing and regulation. Ample, high-quality sleep is essential for healthy development over the long term, and in the short term the old adage of, "Things will look better in the morning" is definitely accurate (and so is, "Nothing good happens after 2am" for the How I Met Your Mother fans out there).
Get in the habit of watching the news with intention. Rather than doom scrolling or keeping things on a constant cycle, choose reputable news sources and watch or read at specific times of day. Try to avoid having news on in the background while your children are around, as little ears pick up on far more than we realize.
Know that they’ll take their cues from you. Understand that even if your children are too young to know there's a war going on, the glaciers are melting, and books are being banned across the country, they'll definitely be picking up on your vibes of tension, anxiety, or despair. You can offset this by finding additional ways to connect with them—whether that's giving extra snuggles, playing at the park after dinner now that days are getting longer, or choosing feel-good things to do together like having ice cream and a movie night. It will benefit your nervous system and emotions, as well as, strengthen the bond between you and your children that acts as a protective factor and promotes resilience. Get outside in nature, get enough sleep, and move your bodies as often as you can to keep your own system in balance.
Look for the helpers, and be the helpers. Donate, be of service to your neighbors or the local community, make someone's life better today so you and your children feel less helpless. The service doesn't have to be related to the war in Ukraine, it doesn't have to be large-scale and grand; it's the process of thinking about what others need, then putting those thoughts into action, that helps kids develop compassion, perspective-taking, and a sense of agency that will benefit them throughout their entire lives. You're never powerless when you have the power to change someone else's life, even in small ways.
While this is by no means a comprehensive list, I hope that it offers some practical optimism—if you decide to put down the cookies and come out from under your blanket fort, that is—for supporting your children and teens during hard times. And if you'd rather stay under the covers a little while longer, no one will blame you for that, either.
If you'd like to talk about what your family needs, based on your specific circumstances, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today.
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a “GPS” for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who empowers parents to solve frustrating behaviors - AND raise great humans - by focusing on relationship-building, understanding development, and skill-building.
"Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"
