3 Keys for Parenting on the Same Page

Parenting is hard. Co-parenting is hard. Even if you're happily partnered with the person with whom you're parenting, even if you love/respect/trust the people with whom you're co-parenting…it's really, really hard. WHY IS IT SO HARD?!?!? The answer to that question is simple…but the solutions to that problem are complex.

Everyone comes into the parenting game with their own…let's call them "souvenirs"…from how they were parented. Then add the decades they spent saying "When I have children I'll never____," or "When I have children I'll always____.” Toss in a dash of hopes and dreams for their children's futures; the welcome or annoying advice from well-meaning family and friends; and the ever-present opinions on social media; and trying to agree on how to raise children can easily become a logistical and emotional nightmare. Everyone wants what's best for their kids—but what do you do when you can't agree on "What's best"? 

Although by no means an exhaustive list, here are 3 keys for Parenting on the Same Page to get you started:

1. Parenting from a Place of Shared Values

 Let's explore a common scenario:

Parent A wants everyone to have dinner together every night, because that's how their family always did things. Parent B wants to be a good provider because they didn't grow up with much, so they end up working late several nights a week and missing those family dinners, sometimes with very little notice. The kids also have activities on a couple of evenings that cut into the family dinner time, so Parent A is upset that their plan for collective dinners is derailed, and Parent B feels guilty for missing dinners AND activities. This can easily lead to hurt feelings, resentment, and a chorus of "We never spend time together as a family!" Followed closely by, "All you do is work!" and, "You don't appreciate all the hours I put in so we can have nice things!" Sound familiar? It's really easy to jump on the merry-go-round of anger and accusations when holding onto what each person thinks is "best" for the family. But here's the thing…it's not about DINNER, and it's not about WORK…it's about CONNECTION. The shared value is connection, so rather than focusing on what isn’t working (dinner together every night), take the opportunity to collectively brainstorm and problem-solve ways that the family can connect. Breakfast together a couple of mornings a week? An evening walk after everyone is home from activities? Pizza and a board game on Friday night? Saturday morning raking and jumping in piles of leaves? It doesn't have to be the same activity every day or every week, because when the focus is on the shared value, then parents are automatically on the same team and can more easily work together to come up with flexible solutions that support parenting from a place of shared values.

 2. Parenting from Place of Authenticity (a.k.a. you don't all have to do things the same way)

Even if you're madly in love with your parenting partner(s), you don't share a brain! You each have your own personalities and ways of relating to, and interacting with, your kiddos. And that's a beautiful thing! Kids need to learn how to interact with all sorts of different humans, and a wonderful way to start doing that is by having authentic relationships with their parents and learning to respect and appreciate a variety of different ways of doing things. If you're a "rough-and-tumble" parent, be that! If you're a "prefers things quiet and calm" parent, be that! If you're a planner, if you're spontaneous, if you're an explainer, if you're a "doer"…be that! As long as the family’s shared values are being respected, then how you get there leaves room for you to be authentically you.

For example, if a shared value for your family is getting adequate sleep, then it's likely that you've decided what an appropriate bedtime is for your child's age and developmental stage. If bedtime for your 5-year-old with Parent A looks like "PJ's, teeth brushed, two stories, one song, a hug and lights out" and bedtime with Parent B looks like "PJ's, chase around the house, teeth brushed, look for lost teddy bear, six stories, 'I need a drink of water,' 'Just one more song please, Mommy,' and finally the door is closed," that’s okay! Kids are SMART and they'll very quickly figure out what's acceptable with each parent. You aren't responsible for your parenting partner's relationship with the children, just as they aren't responsible for yours. Provided, of course, that the shared value of getting adequate sleep is being met. If it isn't, then it's time for more collaborative problem-solving so that the children are getting what they need, and the family is working towards shared values. And this connects directly to Key #3!

3. Parenting with the Child as the Focus

It can be really easy to pick a position (my way is the right way, of course) and then firmly entrench ourselves regardless of evidence to the contrary. Humans don't like to admit when we're wrong, and we DEFINITELY don't like admitting that someone else is right! To parent on the same page, focus on what the child needs in a given scenario, and allow that to be your guide for decision making. To use the example from above, even if Parent B’s bedtime routine drives you nuts, as long as the child is in bed by the agreed-upon time, it's really none of your business. Even if that means Parent B has to start the routine an hour earlier to fit everything in, the shared value is adequate sleep, not a ten-minute bedtime routine so you really don't get to have a say. However, if the routine is consistently dragging on past bedtime and the child isn't getting adequate sleep, it's time for a conversation. This is another opportunity to collaboratively brainstorm solutions to the problem, not an opportunity to try to convince your parenting partner that your way is better than theirs. Keep the focus on what the child needs (to be asleep by 7:30pm, for example) and the observation that that isn't happening every night. Be open and flexible to ideas that work towards the shared value, even if you’d do it differently.

Every parenting and co-parenting situation is unique, and benefits from trust, respect, and open communication. And no matter how amazing your parenting partnership(s), there will be bumps in the road. By focusing on shared values; giving yourselves and your parenting partner(s) permission to be their own authentic selves who are responsible for their own parent-child relationships; and making decisions with the child as the focus; you can hopefully spend more time "Parenting on the Same Page."

 **If you're curious about how parent coaching with GPS can help you "Parent on the Same Page," book a Connect with Kate Call today!

Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is "The GPS for Parents." A parent educator and parenting coach who specializes in helping parents understand their children's and teen's behavior by making connections between who they are developmentally and how they experience the world. She guides parents in using that information to build better relationships and implement realistic strategies to support their kids' healthy development and long term success…AND to make parenting easier in the process!

 "Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"