Busting Myths about “Good Parents”
With the recent wave of "news" articles and social media memes about young Prince Louis's "tantrum" at the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations, it has me thinking about the pressure and scrutiny that parents are under every time they leave the house. For this generation of parents, it's far worse than simply having the older ladies in church or the supermarket cashier whisper behind their backs. Today's parents have to deal with being photographed, recorded, and posted online, usually without any understanding of context. This creates the unrealistic expectation that parents and children have to be perfect at all times, or they risk public scandal.
During my more than 30 years of working with kids, teens, and families I've heard A LOT of opinions about "good parents," and how they raise their children; these are some of the more popular:
Good parents don't let their children behave badly in public
Good parents have polite, respectful, and obedient children
Good parents apply consequences when their children break the rules, throw a tantrum, or are disrespectful
Good parents remove privileges when children don't listen and follow-through on instructions immediately
Good parents don't listen to arguments or excuses, because the rules are the rules
The assumption, of course, is that if you're NOT doing these things, or if your children do appear to be impolite, disrespectful, disobedient, or having a tantrum in public, then you are in fact NOT a good parent.
So today, I'd like to share MY opinion on what else "good parents" do:
Good parents understand that behavior is communication and they use that communication to lead with curiosity and ask themselves, "What does my child need from me IN THIS MOMENT?"
Good parents give themselves permission not to respond right away, or not to apply consequences immediately (if at all), because they aren't worried about appearing like they have control over everything all the time
Good parents comfort children who are overwhelmed and unable to respond in a “socially acceptable” way
Good parents hold established boundaries firmly and lovingly, while also understanding that sometimes circumstances alter the situation and flexibility is required
Good parents sometimes lose their $#*t, and then they apologize and repair the rupture.
Whether you're a parent working from the first list, or the second, I have news for you: you ARE a good parent. If you wake up in the morning thinking about raising your kids the best way you know how, you’re a good parent. If you make mistakes, you're a good parent. If you're trying to keep your kids safe, to keep them fed and clothed and sheltered in whatever way you can, you're a good parent. If you're slogging through your own trauma, fear, shame, guilt, and uncertainty and also trying to do the best you can with the resources you have, you're a good parent.
There's no such thing as a perfect parent, and your kids don't need you to be…because if YOU'RE striving for perfection, then they'll think they have to too. And that's too much pressure for any family to bear, in the spotlight or at home. To parents everywhere doing their version of “good” on any given day, I raise a glass to you.
*If you’re curious about how parent coaching with Guided Parenting Support—GPS can help your family, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today!
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is "The GPS for Parents." A parent educator and parenting coach who specializes in helping parents understand their children's and teen's behavior by making connections between who they are developmentally and how they experience the world. She guides parents in using that information to build better relationships and implement realistic strategies to support their kids' healthy development and long term success…AND to make parenting easier in the process!
"Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"
