Using Self-Care to Avoid Conflict
Before you angrily skip past this article because you think it's going to be another person telling you to take a bubble bath or get a pedicure and you'll feel better about the constant state of chaos in your house and family, let me put your mind at ease. Parents in general—and mothers especially—are drowning in a sea of exhaustion and stress that no amount of scented candles will save them from. The systems parents need are sorely lacking, especially here in the United States. However, since I cannot offer you adequate parental leave; free and accessible child care; high-quality, local public education; or affordable post-secondary education options; allow me to share something that will at least create a bit of breathing room in your day-to-day interactions with your families.
If parents added up all of the time spent in a day arguing with their toddlers about teeth-brushing; their elementary-schoolers about screentime; their tweens about homework; and their teenagers about chores; it would be A LOT of time. In addition to the time spent actually arguing, there's the dread and mental preparation for the arguments (because you know they're going to happen); the inevitable meltdowns, door slamming, and yelling that comes after that requires you and/or your children to calm down before anything productive can happen; and the time you spend thinking about how you wish it had gone differently. Add in the sleepless nights wondering why it's so hard to get your kids to cooperate; the time discussing it with your spouse or parenting partner(s); and the guilt—the constant, never-ending guilt—that you're somehow failing. How much time does that take up in your day? An hour? Two? More? Multiply that by Every. Single. Day. and it quickly adds up. But what if you could use that SAME AMOUNT OF TIME proactively, to employ legitimate self-care that would allow you to avoid many of those conflicts before they happen…and without changing anything about your children, teens, or spouse?
It’s possible, and it’s not as wild as it sounds. Here's how it works:
1) Notice your physical and emotional state when something sets you off. Just notice, don't judge.
This is the key, because it's not about the behavior of others—it’s about your body budget and how you respond when it's depleted. This is when you find yourself saying, "That wouldn't normally have bothered me, but I was just so tired." Or, "I always find myself getting annoyed when I walk in the door after work and they bombard me with questions and want to tell me everything about their day. I just need a few minutes to breathe!" Or, "I shouldn't have snapped at them, but I was hangry because I skipped lunch to take them to their soccer practice." When you notice the times where you say often or always in relation to conflict, it gives you a place to start.
2) Use that awareness to give you information about the kind of self-care that you're most in need of.
Once you start noticing, you can look for patterns. Be a detective and think about how many times you use the words often or always in relation to your role in conflict situations. Do you often lose your cool at certain times of day? How tired, hungry or dehydrated are you at those times? Where are you when they happen? Who else is with you? Do you feel lethargic, irritated, or buzzing with nervous energy? What has happened before, or what is going to happen later that you might be feeling anxious about?
These are all clues to what's happening with your body budget, and they provide valuable information about the kind of self-care that's lacking in your life. If you notice that the times you're more snappish always coincide with being tired, that's a clue. If it always happens when you have a meeting after you've skipped lunch, that's a clue. If you always feel more irritable when you haven't had fresh air or exercise that day, that's a clue. If the transition to home after work always leaves you on edge and it takes a lot of effort to stay calm for your family, that's a clue.
I'll illustrate using the "work-to-home transition" but you can apply this to any scenario in your family that often or always results in conflict.
You're leaving work and dreading getting home (or picking them up at daycare, or their after school program) because you know that their incessant chattering and demands for food and attention are going to be a huge drain on your body budget. You love them, you've missed them, you want to be overjoyed by every word they're saying…and you just can't. So you spend the car ride mentally girding yourself for the hurricane you're about to endure. They get in the car, and immediately start talking over each other to tell you everything that happened in their days, and then the fighting begins. Before you know it, they're yelling, you're yelling, they're crying, and you just want it all to stop. Your body budget is depleted, their body budgets are depleted, and you're going to spend the rest of the evening calming everyone down, feeling guilty that you yelled, and trying to make it up to them with extra attention/treats/fun activities. When they finally fall asleep, you're running on adrenaline and still feeling rotten about how things went down.
3) Use the clues to choose one of the self-care elements that you desperately need, and be proactive about providing it for yourself.
For the work-to-home transition example, as it currently exists, several hours are being spent each day on the dread, the buildup, the meltdowns, the physical tasks, the emotional cleanup for the children, and the parental guilt—then you're going to bed feeling terrible and desperately hoping that it's not going to happen again the next day. What if that time could be used differently? Knowing that your body budget is depleted at the end of the day, and that your children are going to need you to make deposits into their depleted body budgets, what changes can you make to your routine to use self-care to avoid conflict?
Could you find 30 minutes between work and daycare pickup to go for a walk by yourself? Could you meditate in your car? Could you pack a satisfying snack to eat by yourself while listening to a podcast or your favorite playlist during the drive? Could you bring snacks for everyone, and after pickup head straight to a local park for fresh air and unstructured play before going home, so you can sit on a bench and breathe while your children run around and balance their body budgets? By spending the time proactively, in ways that support your self-care and meet your needs, you'll be much better positioned to avoid conflict and all the time spent steeped in anger and regret.
Of course it would be wonderful if everyone in your life did everything they were supposed to do, when they were supposed to. If your children, your teens, your spouse/partner, your colleagues, your mother-in-law, and your PTA committee were all cooperative, flexible, helpful, tidy, kind, and a joy to be around all the time. However, since that's never going to happen, and the only person you really have any control over is yourself, noticing your patterns and finding ways to proactively meet your self-care needs—whether it's more/better sleep, consistent meals, drinking enough water, exercise, fresh air, meditation, or time alone—will save time on avoided conflicts and the associated emotional turmoil. I promise you it will be time well spent.
*For more about body budgets, check out this quick video: How an understanding of "Body Budgets" is a GAME CHANGER for parents and teachers
**If you’re curious about how to customize this concept to your busy family life, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today!
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is "The GPS for Parents." A parent educator and parenting coach who specializes in helping parents understand their children's and teen's behavior by making connections between who they are developmentally and how they experience the world. She guides parents in using that information to build better relationships and implement realistic strategies to support their kids' healthy development and long term success…AND to make parenting easier in the process!
"Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"
