Is All-or-Nothing Thinking Sabotaging your Parenting?

January. The New Year. Time for resolutions, because goal setting is essential for a successful life. However, you'd better be committed because people who can't stick to their goals are lacking in will power and self-control. Of course, a certain amount of  "falling off the wagon" is to be expected and is forgivable, but only if we mentally beat ourselves up an appropriate amount, post about it on social media, and promise to do better tomorrow. Right?

I mean, isn't that how we've always done things? Every January 1st we vow to get more sleep; to begin each day with yoga and a green smoothie; to exercise daily; to swear off sugar; to lose weight; to journal every day; to be kinder to our spouse; to repeat our mantra when we're angry instead of blowing up; to <insert life-changing habit here> because only people who have very specific goals and stick to them religiously are deserving of a wonderful life. Right? But inevitably, painfully, shamefully, we eventually miss a day at the gym, or eat a cookie, or forget to journal, and we feel like we've failed ourselves and the universe. We consider that entire day a failure, stuff our faces with chocolate ice cream, go to bed feeling guilty, and try again the next day with renewed vigor and purpose.

Sarcasm aside, if any of that resonated with you (even a little bit) then it's possible that you (like me) have fallen into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. And if all-or-nothing thinking is part of how you treat yourself, then it's likely part of how you make parenting choices - and even how you view your children.

For example, if you've ever set goals or made resolutions that your family was going to eat dinner together every night; that you were going to be more patient and not yell at your kids; that you were only going to serve organic food; that the family would have a scheduled bonding activity every Friday night; that you were definitely going to wash, dry AND fold the week's laundry by Sunday afternoon…etc. That's all-or-nothing thinking.

Or if you've ever thought to yourself that a "good" day is when your toddler doesn't have any meltdowns; or your 8-year-old doesn't get reprimanded at school; or your teenager doesn't roll their eyes and slam their door; or when your family gets through the entire checklist of required daily tasks without any grumbling…yet you find yourself still waiting for the elusive "good" day.  That's all-or-nothing thinking.

And I'm willing to bet that it's not working for you, and it's definitely not working for your kids. Being human is a mentally and emotionally messy business, and raising humans is a VERY messy business (literally AND figuratively!). So what if you did things differently this year?

What if - instead of aiming for unattainable perfection that you can feel guilty about all year--you took things day, one hour, one minute at a time?

What if your goal was to give yourself permission to rewind and reset as often as you needed to, in order to feel good about how the day ended? To apologize, to acknowledge when you could've handled something differently, and to try again?

What if your goal was simply to connect with your children at some point during the day, on their terms, in a way that left you all feeling a little more loved?

  What if, even on a terrible-horrible-no good-very bad-day, you could still change the ending with a snuggle on the couch? A glass of milk while sharing a story? An evening walk with a disgruntled teen? What if no “whole day” was ever a failure because you allowed yourself to learn something?

Imagine the possibilities for yourselves and for your children if all-or-nothing thinking was replaced with giving yourselves grace to be the wonderful, messy, amazing humans that you are…and to learn and grow together.

 Happy New Year, New Day, New Hour, New Minute.

*If you’re curious about how parent coaching with Guided Parenting Support—GPS® can help your family, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today!

Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a “GPS” for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who helps parents solve frustrating behaviors - AND raise great humans - by focusing on relationship-building, understanding development, and skill-building. You can find her at www.guidedparentingsupport.com or on social media @guidedparentingsupport.

 "Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"