The Expectation Mismatch (and how to ease it!)
Grownups often expect too much from kids. We see their vibrant energy—energy that far exceeds that of us approaching or beyond middle-age—and we mistakenly conflate it with also having an adult level of impulse control, frustration tolerance, stamina, and patience. We notice that they can utilize appropriate behavior some of the time, and assume that means they could use it all of the time…and when they don't, it's because they're choosing not to. In the interests of eliciting more of that "appropriate behavior," we monitor their every move, waiting for the moment when they misbehave so we can pounce, have a stern conversation, issue a consequence, and walk away feeling very pleased that we've handled the interaction so brilliantly…confident that they've learned their lesson, and will henceforth never make that mistake again. Until, of course, they do. Because they're children…children with immature brains, limited body budgets*, very little autonomy, and a lifetime of skills to build before they're ready for adult-level expectations.
As I write this, we're halfway through Hanukkah and rapidly approaching Christmas and Kwanzaa…which means excitement, additional events, extra treats, gift giving-and-receiving, and oh so many moments with friends and extended family. Friends and family who may—with the loving intention of “helping”—be judging your children and your parenting. That extra pressure impacts adults in ways we don't always realize, so we clamp down even harder on "behaviors" in an effort to protect the children from being looked upon as hooligans, and to protect the adults from the dreaded label of "permissive parent."
This holiday season, may I offer a gentle alternative? A three-step approach that will support your children in being on the "best behavior" that they're legitimately capable of, and will support you in feeling more relaxed and prepared for the tidal wave of events and expectations.
Proactively boost your family's body budgets in preparation for challenging situations.
a) As a baseline, ensure that everyone is well-rested, hydrated, and nourished…including the adults! Heading into an event tired or hungry is almost a guarantee that meltdowns or arguments will happen.
b) Think about what the day/evening are going to look like, and provide additional body budget-boosts accordingly. A few examples:
i) If there's going to be a long car ride or extended sitting at a meal, ensure your children have plenty of fresh air and joyful movement beforehand, and brainstorm ways to get at least some movement during.
ii)The anxiety of worrying about food is very draining to a child or teen's body budget. If you know the food will be a challenge for your kiddo(s) pack "safe" foods so they can rest assured they'll have plenty to eat.
iii) Pack toys, games, regulating activities and comfort objects according to your child's sensory and regulation needs, and involve them in the planning so they feel the sense of autonomy and control that are calming to our nervous systems.
iv) Frontload your day with additional downtime and unstructured play, in whatever form is appealing to your kids, so they're recharged and ready for the increased stamina required.
Adjust your expectations if body budgets are depleted.
a) This might mean that you're a little more lenient with your rules in the moment, but even more effective is proactively adjusting what is going to be expected from your children or teens so they're set up for success. For example:
i) Perhaps you go to the event, but plan to leave much earlier than originally anticipated…before the meltdowns begin. If your child knows they only have to "hold it together" until after dinner and presents, they may be able to muster the stamina needed to be successful.
ii) Perhaps you give your host a quick call and arrange for a quiet place so your child can have downtime or a nap once they've arrived and said their hellos.
iii) Perhaps you only choose one event for that day, even though you had originally committed to two or three. Better to have one really wonderful experience, than attempt to cram in more than body budgets can handle and end the day exhausted and with frayed relationships.
iv) If it's an older child or teen, problem-solve it with them. Perhaps you agree that they'll spend the first 30 minutes having polite conversation with the adults, or playing with their cousins, and after that point they have the option of retreating to an empty bedroom with their iPad or an audiobook if they're not enjoying themselves or they feel overwhelmed.
Finally, give yourselves permission to "abandon ship" if you know that this will end in disaster.
a) You know your kids, and you know the signs that meltdowns are imminent. To protect them from judgement, avoid putting them in situations that are simply too much for them to handle by declining invitations, or calling to cancel at the last minute, if that's going to be better for them.
b) Alternatively, create a plan with your parenting partners or other adults in attendance, so that you can make a very quick exit when you see the warning signs.
c) The people who truly care about you and your family will understand, even if they're disappointed.
It won't always be this way. Eventually, as your children grow and their brains mature and their skills increase, they'll develop more frustration tolerance, impulse control, stamina and patience. By respecting who they are at this developmental stage, and respecting what their body budgets can handle, you're investing in their feelings of self-worth—and in your longterm relationship with them—and you’re sparing them from the shame of judging eyes. It's from that place of strong, stable, loving, respectful relationships that they'll feel safe to take bigger risks, to expand their comfort zones, and to gradually increase their skills in social situations.
*If you'd like to learn more about using the concept of body budgets to set your whole family up for success, check out my YouTube channel for video tips https://www.youtube.com/@guidedparentingsupport/videos.
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a "GPS" for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who helps parents solve frustrating behaviors - and raise great humans - by focusing on relationship-building, understanding development, and skill-building. You can find her at www.guidedparentingsupport.com or on social media @guidedparentingsupport.
