Anxiety Has a Bad Rep: Healthy ways to support your kids through their nervousness
Anxiety has a PR problem.
It's linked to addictions, has a disorder named for it, and is often the reason why folks place limits upon themselves. Yes, anxiety is very real and yes, anxiety can be incredibly debilitating. But it didn't start off as a bad thing…in fact, its original job was to keep us alive.
Anxiety is the brain's way of saying, "Hey, Human, there's something about to happen and you need to prepare for it!" Historically, that "something" might've been a saber-toothed tiger or another marauding tribe about to attack. We needed that adrenaline and cortisol rush to prepare our muscles for action - life saving action - and to do it very quickly. Then, once the danger passed, our brains and nervous systems were supposed to rest and recover.
Today, it's more likely that the "something about to happen" is an upcoming math test, a track meet, a big presentation, or a date with someone we have a crush on. When our brain says, "prepare" it means "study,", "train," "practice," or "shower and put on cute clothes." What it doesn't mean is "worry endlessly, interfering with sleep/eating/normal daily functioning and stay in this state of hyper-vigilance on a permanent basis, thus never having a chance to rest and recover." When the brain does its job too well and it sees saber-toothed-tiger-levels of danger around every corner, and it doesn't learn to stand down and relax, that's when anxiety becomes a problem (See the work of Dr. Tracy Dennis-Tiwary for more on this).
As a parent, how can you help your child manage healthy levels of nervousness and anxiety?
First, recognize that all humans are born with different temperaments, and that includes different levels of emotionality (see the work of Dr. Danielle Dick for more on this). That means that some kids will naturally have nervous systems that are more chilled out, and some will be more revved up. Regardless of the kind of human you have, the parents' job is to "be the caretaker of the child's nervous system, until they can take care of their own" (Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett). That means co-regulating with your child, so their brain and nervous system have practice at going from fired-up to calm, fired-up to calm, over and over again throughout their childhoods until their brain development reaches a point at which they can start to self-regulate. Without this practice, children stay in a "fired-up" state for far too long, and their brains and bodies don't learn how to rest and relax.
Second, when big feelings result in big behaviors (meltdowns, for example) and those behaviors are punished, children learn that their big feelings are too scary even for the adults in their lives to handle. They bottle things up, and push them down, and miss out on all the opportunities to give their brains and nervous systems the practice they need. We can only learn to process the emotions that we're actually allowed to feel, so all feelings need to be allowed and expressed. You can validate their feelings and co-regulate with them, while still setting reasonable boundaries and having high expectations for your child, but that's a different post for another day ;-)
Third, replace "reassurance" with "problem-solving." While it makes sense for adults to use our fully-developed and very experienced brains to offer rational reassurance to children, i.e. "There's nothing to worry about, you're going to make lots of friends," or "No one is going to say anything about the pimple on your chin," the bottom line is that our logical and rational "upstairs brains" are not connected to their immature-and-freaking-out "downstairs brains" (see Dr. Daniel Siegel’s work on upstairs and downstairs brains for more). We cannot reassure them, because their anxiety isn't rational. What we can do, is help their logical and rational brains come online by thinking through their worst-case scenarios with them.
Listen to their worries, and validate that you understand why that feels scary, or yucky, and that it's okay to be concerned.
Then, say something like, "What if we try to figure this out together? Let's say you get to the lunch room, and there really isn't any place to sit. What would you do?" and then let the questions flow from there. As they develop their ability to think logically and rationally about a hypothetical scenario, they also develop the connection between their emotions and their brain's ability to regulate them. Over time, having this practice at thinking things through supports the development of their resilience, because they start to trust that they can handle challenges, and they can tell their brain to stand down.
Confidently assure your child that you trust them to be capable of doing hard things, and that you'll be right there with them if they need you. You aren't the solution, but you can definitely be part of the process for finding solutions.
Fourth, support your children in developing emotional granularity (Dr. Susan David), which is the ability to discern which emotions are truly being felt. For example, nervousness and excitement both feel like butterflies in your stomach, but if children are able to tell the difference, then they don't just get lumped together under, "Johnny is feeling anxious about___." This is strongly linked to the second point, above, because children can only learn to differentiate between the emotions that they're allowed to feel.
Fifth, and not surprisingly, if you're at all familiar with my work - BODY BUDGETS! When children have balanced body budgets, their nervous systems are much better prepared to be flexible and resilient in the face of hard things. Sleep, movement, unstructured play, screen-free downtime, affection and connection, laughter, fresh air, and time in nature all contribute to balanced and healthy body budgets.
Co-regulation; allowing ALL the feelings (no matter how big); replacing reassurance with problem-solving; developing their emotional granularity; and helping them balance their body budgets are a few of the ways that you can support your children and teens in recognizing - and acting on - their nervousness or anxiety in healthy ways. Of course, if your child's anxiety is interfering with sleep, is changing their moods, is interfering with day-to-day tasks or their ability to get out into the world and experience new things, absolutely consult your physician or a mental health professional.**
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a "GPS" for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who helps parents solve frustrating behaviors - and raise great humans - by focusing on relationship-building, understanding development, and skill-building. You can find her at www.guidedparentingsupport.com or on social media @guidedparentingsupport.
**Kate Garzón is not a physician, therapist, or mental health professional. This article is intended for general guidance only, and does not replace diagnosis and treatment by a licensed professional. Always talk to your doctor if you have concerns about your child or teen.
