Summer Series Part 2: Emotional and Social Considerations with “Reopening”
While many people are excited about life getting back to some kind of normal (yay vaccines!), for others it isn't as simple as just opening the door and walking back out into the world. Being in close proximity to others, and having physical contact again, isn't easy and carefree for everyone. New habits have been formed since the pandemic began, and those 15 months between March 2020 and now are a huge percentage of children's lives. For a 10 year old, a year is 10% of their life. For a 5 year old, a year is 20%. Can you imagine spending 20% of your life wearing a mask and staying away from people, and then suddenly being told to "go back to the way things were"? Super weird, right?!?
A few things to consider while your family acclimates to a COVID-safer world:
Ask your children and teens how they're feeling. What are they excited about? What are they nervous or worried about? Keeping in mind that excitement and nervousness feel very similar in the "gut" of a young child, so they may need your help digging a little to get to what's really going on for them. These don't have to be "one-and-done" conversations--by leaving the door open for them to talk to you when new thoughts or feelings come up for them, you're giving them the chance to share on their terms. Once you know what's on their minds, you can problem-solve strategies together. For example, if your kiddo is nervous about going to day camp because they haven't been away from you for that long in over a year, you can strategize together about what would help them feel empowered and comforted while they're away. Perhaps you could tuck a note in their lunchbox? Or "stockpile" extra kisses and hugs into a favorite comfort object that they could keep tucked away in their backpack and sneak a peek at when they need it? Or schedule some guaranteed connection time together in the evening, where they can choose an activity they love to do with you, so they know for certain that they'll get to see you and tell you all about their day. Maybe your teen is both excited AND nervous because dating just became an option again and they REALLY want to ask out that cutie from their math class. Let them talk, listen with empathy (and without eye rolling…remember when this stuff felt life-or-death for you too? Channel your inner adolescent ;-), and play the game of "Worst Case Scenario" with both realistic and ridiculous outcomes to loosen them up and get them laughing (even if they're laughing at how corny you are :D ) Whatever they're feeling, be prepared to listen and be a sounding-board while they learn to problem-solve for themselves.
Behavior IS communication. If they're extra clingy, whiny, rambunctious, tearful, annoying, pestering, volatile, moody, eye-rolly, door-slammy, etc. …there's always a reason. Give yourself permission to ignore the behavior and allow yourself the luxury of observing and being an emotional detective so you can get to--and solve--the underlying cause. Ask yourself questions like: "What time of day does this behavior occur? Where are they? Who else is around? Did they overhear the adults talking about something that may have triggered it? Is there another obvious trigger? What's happening tomorrow that they might be reacting to?" Most parents are EXCELLENT emotional detectives when you give yourselves the time and space to ask the questions, rather than feeling like you need to "stamp out" the behavior right away. Once you have a hunch, you can connect and communicate with them, based on their age/developmental stage/preferred connection styles. It might be bath time with your five year old, you're washing their hair and they're calmer and relaxed and you say something like "I noticed that you and your sister weren't getting along very well today. Did you notice that too? What's up?" And see where the conversation goes. Or bring a mug of tea into your teenager, sit down on their bed and try "I noticed that I was annoying you more than usual today…did you notice that too?" And let the chat evolve from there. The goal here is to get to the root of the issue and solve it together, not to make your kids feel bad for expressing their emotions in kid-like ways.
They may be hesitant to offer affection to friends and family. After a year of not touching, some kiddos might need more time to warm up. Talk with them, respect their feelings, and practice other ways that they can still be polite and express that they're happy to see people. Looking folks in the eye, shaking hands, saying a pleasant greeting, waving from across the room, fist-bumping, air hugs…these are all acceptable ways to reconnect with folks they haven't seen in person in a long time. If they're old enough and feel comfortable speaking for themselves ("Grandma, I'm so happy to see you but I'm not ready to hug you yet. I'm going to wave at you from here until I'm ready.") then encourage that autonomy and support them by role-playing to practice with them prior to the event. If you know that you have people in your lives who won't be respectful of your kids' needs (it's rarely malicious--older family members often feel like they're "entitled" to hugs because that's just the world they know) then feel free to give them a call before hand, explain, and ask for their support. Children and teens know in their gut what they're comfortable with, and by encouraging them to listen to that feeling we're helping them develop important boundaries and understanding of consent that they'll need as they go through life.
They may need a refresher on your family's boundaries and expectations when leaving the house or going to other people's homes. If you and your kiddos have gotten used to phones at the dinner table, grunting instead of asking to pass the milk, leaving shoes and coats on the floor in the front hallway, or any number of other "It's just us so what's the point?" behaviors--rest assured that you're not alone, you're not being judged, AND it might be time to hit the reset button before you emerge into public again ;-) Family meetings are a GREAT way to talk about things that are important, and everyone can contribute to rewriting or updating your family's "Out and About Code of Conduct." It's also a great time to remind the rough-housers in your family that they're a whole year bigger and stronger than they were the last time they wrestled with their buddies (and their buddies are too!) so to keep that in mind when they're reunited and chasing each other around like puppies.
Every family--and every human within that family--is different. Truly, the best way to make sure everyone is as comfortable as they can be with the situation is to keep those lines of communication open and to let them know they're loved, they're respected, and that you're ready to help them problem-solve whatever is on their minds. Come on, Summer…we're ready for you!
**If you’re curious about how parent coaching with Guided Parenting Support—GPS can help your family, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today!
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is "The GPS for Parents." A parent educator and parenting coach who specializes in helping parents understand their children's and teen's behavior by making connections between who they are developmentally and how they experience the world. She guides parents in using that information to build better relationships and implement realistic strategies to support their kids' healthy development and long term success…AND to make parenting easier in the process!
"Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"
