Having Difficult Conversations with Kids and Teens

When I was 13, a 15-year-old girl named Kristen French was abducted and killed in a mid-sized town a couple of hours away from our small family farm. It was all over the news, and even in that pre-internet world it was the main topic of conversation around dinner tables, on the school bus, and with concerned parents across the country. We both had long, curly brown hair and big smiles, and every time her photo flashed across the TV screen I could feel my parents tensing up and mentally making the comparisons. They could have chosen to shield me from the images…after all, I didn’t have a computer or cell phone, the local newspaper only came out on Wednesdays, and it would’ve been easy to turn off the news at the dinner table. However, they recognized the reality of the situation and opted to include me in conversations about how it made me feel and—most importantly—how I could avoid dangerous situations and also protect myself and my friends if avoidance wasn’t an option. These were difficult conversations, and they were also extremely necessary. I still remember the seriousness in their eyes and feeling proud that they thought I was old enough to talk about something so grown-up—and it was a lot less scary knowing that I had the information to protect myself.

I share this story because—even though it happened almost 30 years ago—it still has relevance for parents and children today. With the internet, social media, and a 24-hour news cycle, kids and teens are exposed to far more information than ever before. With that exposure comes incredible opportunities for learning, growth, and embracing other cultures and lifestyles.  It also comes with the risk of children being exposed to topics that they might not be developmentally ready for, OR topics that WE might not be ready for them to be ready for ;-) Whether your family is media-savvy or not, regardless of how hard you try to shield them from the world, news creeps into their growing brains. Their friends talk about it, they overhear you talking about it, and any teen with Wi-Fi can just look it up on their own. Even if your family actively seeks to avoid news and social media, children and teens pick up the vibes radiating off of the adults in their lives…if you’re feeling stressed, they’re feeling stressed too.

As a few current examples from many: If you’re Canadian, your world has been rocked by the recent discoveries of the bodies of Indigenous children at former residential school sites; if you’re American, the exposure of systems of racism and brutality in policing has been a wake-up call across the country; and no matter where in the world you live, COVID has changed everything. So, if you’re a parent or educator, what do you DO when these difficult topics inevitably come up? Here are five tips for handling difficult conversations with your kids and teens, that can be adapted and applied for any age:

1)     Start with comfort and connection.

Assess their emotional state while they’re approaching you to ask the question. If they come to you in tears, with fear or anger in their eyes, or otherwise seeming upset, start with comfort in whatever form they prefer. Once they know they’re psychologically safe and you’re there for them, you can move on to talking about it.

2)     Figure out what they already know.

Begin by asking questions like “Tell me what you already know about_____” or “What have you heard?” This will give you a starting point and help you assess their understanding. If they come to you with accurate facts, perhaps your next step is helping them make sense of their emotions. If they come to you with inaccurate rumors, you know you have to start with facts.

3)     Figure out what they WANT to know.

Before you launch into an hour-long lecture-style presentation about the topic at hand, figure out what their purpose is in coming to you. Saying things like “What do you think?” or “How does __________ make you feel?” can guide them towards expressing what they need from you. For young children, it may simply be comfort and curiosity. For older children and teens, their senses of empathy and justice might be triggered, and they may be looking to you for guidance on what they can DO about it.

4)     Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know the answer, let’s find out together.”

While sticking our heads in the sand and pretending issues don’t exist IS a strategy, it’s not one that will support long-term successful development for the next generation. By doing research together with your child or teen, you open yourselves up to greater connection with each other, greater understanding of the issues, and opportunities to make a positive difference in the world that your kids are growing up in. For teenagers—who are hard-wired to start figuring out who they are and what they believe separately from their parents—it’s also a wonderful way to maintain a sense of closeness while they form their opinions based on facts.

5)     For really young children: answer only the question that’s ACTUALLY being asked.

The diversity educator Rosetta Lee says that she treats questions from small children like “really adorable depositions: answer only what’s being asked, nothing more, nothing less.” Then, since your child has expressed interest, you can find age-appropriate resources that will help you to learn about the topic together.

Regardless of the age of your child or teen, they will likely absorb some of the information, then take time to process. It may be hours, days or weeks…but if you let them know that you’re there for them whenever they want to talk, they’ll know that the door is open for further conversations…and your relationship with them will continue to grow. That also buys you time to continue educating yourself and curating responsible resources for your whole family.

**If you’re curious about how parent coaching with Guided Parenting Support—GPS can help your family, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today!

Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a “GPS” for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who empowers parents to solve frustrating behaviors - AND raise great humans - by focusing on relationship building, understanding development, and skill-building.

 "Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"