Thriving Through the Holidays
The holidays bring a mixture of excitement and stress to many households…especially if those households have children! In addition to the shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, decorating, and travel there are underlying stressors that we often try to ignore. We think, "It won't be as bad as last year" or "The kids are older now, they'll handle it better," or, "Aunt Mildred has mellowed, she won't bring that up again," and yet - inevitably - it is as bad as last year, the kids can't handle it better, and she does bring it up.
In the spirit of the season, allow me to give you a gift. It's the gift of planning ahead.
Now, if you read that and immediately wanted to slam your computer shut or throw your phone at the wall, let me assure you that I absolutely do not mean, "Plan ahead and get your shopping/wrapping/baking/decorating done earlier than ever, because it is entirely your responsibility to ensure smooth and joyful holidays for everyone in your life…and while you're at it, wake up earlier, drink more water, eat more protein, and get at least 3 million steps per day so you can indulge in a single piece of fudge this year." Nope…none of that nonsense here.
What I mean is…plan ahead for the things that you know are going to be hard. Whether it's behaviors that you can anticipate, decisions that need to be made about which events to attend, or dealing with other people's judgement or opinions, I suspect that you already know what's going to be difficult this holiday season…because they're the same things that are already difficult during the year. Perhaps a little more pronounced because everything is heightened during the holidays, but very few things should surprise you at this point.
For example, if you know that birthday parties are hard for your kid because of sensory processing challenges and overwhelm, then why would a holiday party be any different?
If getting your family out the door on time for soccer practice or Scouts is nearly impossible on a regular Tuesday, why would getting them out the door to Christmas Eve mass be any different?
If Mother's Day was a nightmare because your mom and his mom both wanted you to come to brunch in different towns at the same time, and there was also your 90 year old grandmother to visit…then why would the first night of Hanukkah be any different?
If your sister-in-law made comments about what your children ate, or why your toddler wasn't toilet trained yet, or why your teen hadn't decided which colleges to apply to the last time you were together for a BBQ, then why would Thanksgiving dinner be any different?
Knowing what's going to be hard gives you the opportunity to decide whether you want to put effort into proactively problem-solving and making decisions that will better serve your family, or whether you want to put that effort into reactively dealing with guilt, resentment, anger, exhaustion, and tears. If you're interested in taking the proactive route, here are a few tips to ease your path:
Discuss your concerns and pain points with your spouse or parenting partner(s) ahead of time, so that you're all on the same page.
Choose a time before the holiday madness begins, when you're all rested and ready to come to the table with open minds.
I love a good "B.E.D" process…Brainstorm, Evaluate, Decide.
First, brainstorm (or in this case, brain dump) all of the things that you each know will be hard…the situations that will be challenging for your children and teens, the events that have been problematic in the past, the people who set your teeth on edge, etc. Compare notes!
Use this information to evaluate whether or not there are certain events that likely aren't worth it….either because the potential for toxic or inflammatory interactions is too high; the toll it will take on your kids' and teens' body budgets is too much; or there are simply too many other events/activities that day/weekend and this event isn't high enough on the priority list to be included.
Decide what events and activities you're going to prioritize, based on the first two steps. A helpful mental reframe is to actively choose the events and activities that your family will gain the most from…the most joy, the most comfort and psychological safety, the most connection with people who matter, the most sense of purpose or service to others, the most fulfillment…rather than focusing on what you're going to lose by "missing out." You have the autonomy and power to choose an enthusiastic YES for the activities and events that nourish your family, rather than feeling guilted or shamed for saying no.
Collaborate with your family (including kids and teens!) to maximize flexibility and cooperation.
Planning ahead gives your kids a chance to voice their preferences and concerns…what events are really important to them? What events are really hard? Why?
Once you have that information, problem solve together. Maybe the reason the annual holiday get-together with your college friends is really challenging for your eight year old is because there are other children there that he only sees once a year, and he's uncomfortable approaching them to ask to play? Or perhaps Thanksgiving feels overwhelming for your 12 year old because it's very loud and the hosting home is always really warm and smells like pot pourri and that combination sends their nervous system into a tailspin? When given the chance, kids and teens are usually pretty great at figuring out reasonable accommodations and solutions that will make an event more manageable, and having some autonomy and control goes a long way to earning cooperation.
If there are people at particular events who make you, your children, or your teens uncomfortable, plan ahead for that too. In advance, create and practice scripts together so you/they know what to say; support your children and teens in advocating for themselves; and ensure they know that you have their backs if they need moral support, the additional strength of your voice, or a quick and graceful opportunity to get out of the situation.
Pay attention to body budgets! This is hands-down the best way for your whole family to thrive through the holidays.
Proactively boost your family's body budgets in preparation for challenging situations.
As a baseline, ensure that everyone is well-rested, hydrated, and nourished…including the adults! Heading into an event tired or hungry is almost a guarantee that meltdowns or arguments will happen.
Think about what the day/evening are going to look like, and provide additional body budget-boosts accordingly. A few examples:
If there's going to be a long car ride or extended sitting at a meal, ensure your children have plenty of fresh air and joyful movement beforehand, and brainstorm ways to get at least some movement during.
The anxiety of worrying about food is very draining to a child or teen's body budget. If you know the food will be a challenge for your kiddo(s) pack "safe" foods so they can rest assured they'll have plenty to eat.
Pack toys, games, regulating activities and comfort objects according to your child's sensory and regulation needs, and involve them in the planning so they feel the sense of autonomy and control that are calming to our nervous systems.
Frontload your day with additional downtime and unstructured play, in whatever form is appealing to your kids, so they're recharged and ready for the increased stamina required.
Adjust your expectations if body budgets are depleted.
This might mean that you're a little more lenient with your rules in the moment, but even more effective is proactively adjusting what is going to be expected from your children or teens so they're set up for success. For example:
Perhaps you go to the event, but plan to leave much earlier than originally anticipated…before the meltdowns begin. If your child knows they only have to "hold it together" until after dinner and presents, they may be able to muster the stamina needed to be successful.
Perhaps you give your host a quick call and arrange for a quiet place so your child can have downtime or a nap once they've arrived and said their hellos.
Perhaps you only choose one event for that day, even though you had originally committed to two or three. Better to have one really wonderful experience, than attempt to cram in more than body budgets can handle and end the day exhausted and with frayed relationships.
If it's an older child or teen, problem-solve it with them. Perhaps you agree that they'll spend the first 30 minutes having polite conversation with the adults, or playing with their cousins, and after that point they have the option of retreating to an empty bedroom with their iPad or an audiobook if they're not enjoying themselves or they feel overwhelmed.
Finally, give yourselves permission to "abandon ship" if you know that this will end in disaster.
You know your kids, and you know the signs that meltdowns are imminent. To protect them from judgement, avoid putting them in situations that are simply too much for them to handle by declining invitations, or calling to cancel at the last minute, if that's going to be better for them.
Alternatively, create a plan with your parenting partners or other adults in attendance, so that you can make a very quick exit when you see the warning signs.
The people who truly care about you and your family will understand, even if they're disappointed.
Good luck, be well, and Happy Holidays from GPS!
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a "GPS" for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who empowers parents to solve frustrating behaviors - and raise great humans - by focusing on relationship-building, understanding development, and skill-building. You can find her at www.guidedparentingsupport.com or on social media @guidedparentingsupport.
