Managing Late-Stage Pandemic Burnout with Your Children and Teens
We're now more than a year into the pandemic, and it seems that the only constant is change. Depending on your country, state, province or even municipality, the rules about where you can go, with whom, and what COVID precautions are required are continually in flux. It's challenging enough for adults to manage the inconsistencies—and we have fully developed frontal lobes and more control over our own lives. For children and teens, it's that much harder because uncertainty, changing rules, and the incredible loss of autonomy and socialization that they've experienced all combine to create big feelings—AND they're still developing their emotional self-regulation and coping mechanisms. Likewise, for adults a year in lock down is approximately 1/40th of the years we've lived so far, a mere 0.025% of our lives. But for a child, this past year is a much larger percentage of their lived experiences…for a five year old, it's a whopping 20% of their time on earth so far! It's realistic that—while they have many memories of life before COVID, and therefore miss everything they used to be able to do—they may have lost the "feel" of what it's like to be out and about without a mask, without worrying about being too close to others, without a bottle of hand sanitizer in their backpack, and without restrictions on roughhousing with friends or hugging family members (more on that in my next blog post!)
In addition—humans being the wonderful and unpredictable creatures that we are—you might have family and friends who are handling things differently than your household. Perhaps they've already been vaccinated and are starting to open up their lives again; perhaps they're just tired of the restrictions and uncertainty and have decided to loosen up their personal precautions; or perhaps they live in places with different rules and you're witnessing their activities on social media and feeling indoor-dining envy. Whatever the case, it can easily bring up frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger, impatience, jealousy, anxiety, nervousness, etc. in both you and your kiddos.
So, what to do about it? I'm not a medical professional or therapist, so if you or your children are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety that are prolonged or concerning (check out these sites for credible info: https://www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/depression.html https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html ) then ABSOLUTELY call your doctor, or a local mental health support line.
However, if what you're feeling is more of a generalized "When will this end, and what can I and my kids do about it in the mean time?" then I have a few ideas that *may* bring some relief until there's light at the end of the tunnel.
The Job of Parents
In spite of the pandemic, your job as a parent hasn't changed. It is—and has always been—to raise children who become adults who are prepared to be successful in an unknown future. That's it. The unknown future just came a lot sooner than anyone had expected (I guess we *should* have expected it…I mean, it's "unknown" for a reason, right?) The good news is that there are approximately ten thousand ways to do it well, and only a few ways to do it really, really badly. So here's what I can offer you this week, in the category of "Doing it well, during a pandemic."
Listen to your children, teens, spouses/partners/co-parents with genuine empathy.
This is easier said than done—especially if you're used to being a "fixer," or if you're feeling guilty about how much your children have given up this past year. Resist the urge to go overboard with extra toys/treats/gifts to "make up for it."
Instead, accept and acknowledge what they're saying, without feeling the need to "fix" it. A simple "I hear you. It's really hard to know that your cousins are gathering for Easter and we're not going. I'm sorry that we're in this situation, and I'm here for you" goes a long way. Extra hugs and snuggles (if they'll let you) help put actions behind your words.
Listening with empathy will allow you to dig deeper into what's really bothering them, because you don't have to spend energy trying to defend your position or "cheer them up." For example, your child is angry because their friend is having an indoor birthday party, but your family isn't comfortable with indoor gatherings so they don’t get to go. They may appear to be angry with you as the boundary-keeper, but truly it's the situation that's hurting them. Listening, encouraging them to name their feelings, and letting them get that frustration out in healthy ways will do so much more for their resilience and emotional health in the long run.
Problem-solve together, encouraging your children and teens to take responsibility for their own solutions whenever possible.
This helps replace some of the control and autonomy that have been lost during the pandemic, and it also takes the pressure off of you, because you don't have to be the Grand Solver of All Problems for Everyone.
"Tell me more about that…" and "How can I help?" are two phrases that will encourage dialogue without you needing to have a quick fix at the ready.
Along with listening, empathy, and encouraging your kids to express their feelings honestly, asking questions like "Given our family's values and rules, what are some things that you'd like to do this weekend instead of the birthday party?" or "Let's think about some ways that you can show your friend you care about their birthday, even though you won't be at the party" can be helpful. It gives them a voice, and choice, and helps them see that you truly do understand and feel for them--even while you're holding tight on an important boundary.
Model how you're coping, by sharing your own thought processes out loud.
For example, "The rainy weather and grey skies are making me feel melancholy, and kind of trapped in the house. I could really use some fresh air to clear my head and raise my spirits. I'm going to grab my raincoat and head out for a walk--does anyone want to join me?"
Or "I'm so disappointed that we can't see Grandma this weekend for her birthday. It makes me really sad that we haven't celebrated these milestones in over a year. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do something to still make her celebration special? Who has ideas?"
By talking things through out loud, you demonstrate that a) feelings are natural and important b) there are healthy ways to express and manage those feelings and c) it moderates your own self-talk because you’re going to be a lot kinder to yourself when you know your children are listening.
You've come so far, and through some really—really—challenging times. The fact that you read this far means you care, and that you're a great parent who is working hard to raise those resilient and successful adults. Be kind to yourselves, be gentle with your children, and know that I'm sending you a HUGE hug from a distance!
**If you’re curious about how parent coaching with Guided Parenting Support—GPS can help your family, book a complimentary Connect with Kate Call today!
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is "The GPS for Parents." A parent educator and parenting coach who specializes in helping parents understand their children's and teen's behavior by making connections between who they are developmentally and how they experience the world. She guides parents in using that information to build better relationships and implement realistic strategies to support their kids' healthy development and long term success…AND to make parenting easier in the process!
"Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"
